Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
