I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
