Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
