The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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