She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
