Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
