so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
