my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
