i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
