It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize