i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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