The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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