Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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