i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
