i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
