I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Oh god it's open bar.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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