What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
