Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
