I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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