another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I AM VODKA MAN
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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