I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
