it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
