wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
the day after is always just damage control
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
