I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
