i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
