Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
