thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
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you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
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If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize