You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
