Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
