Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
don't judge my taste in strippers
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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