Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
