If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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