What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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