I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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