I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
