You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
