life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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