I'm gonna have a badass scar
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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