note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
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