I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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