I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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