I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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