She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
