If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
