why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
