That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
