why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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