If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
