update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Randomize
