She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
