oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
